Mistakes
by AbbyS686
Summary: A fanficception of Devils Like To Dance by Hateweasel. Read that first or some parts may be confusing. This is essentially a dream I had that I felt needed to be shared. Warnings: Contains character death, manga spoilers for SNK, spoilers for DLTD (unless you follow Hateweasel on Tumblr), and depressing themes.


**A/N: Just warning you all now, this is kind of depressing. I had a lot of trouble writing it but I couldn't get the idea out of my head and felt like it had to be shared. I apologize in advance. CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE MANGA!**

**I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS PIECE OF FICTION. THE ONLY THING I OWN IS THIS DEPRESSING PLOTLINE**

It's been nearly 100 years since Ciel died. And I still miss him every day. One wrong mission; the last fight before the walls were finished, but we were taken by surprise and now I'll never forget the look of despair on his face as he was eaten. It haunts my nightmares that I couldn't save him. To this day I still believe we would have beaten the titans by now if Ciel had lived instead of me. When the titans first appeared we were offered a place in an underground city that was built to keep important people safe. We should've saved ourselves when we had the chance. Instead we sent our son Nicolas down to the underground city, choosing to stay and fight ourselves. That was the first mistake. Leaving him down there was the second.

I figured it would be safest for him, I didn't want to send him into battle and have him resent me forever; but he ended up resenting me either way. He still doesn't know who I am; I plan to keep it that way. If he knew it would only make him hate me more. Not telling him was my third mistake. Maybe if I had told him he would have listened when I mentioned how dangerous that mission was. Maybe he wouldn't have gone on it and be the only one to return. Maybe his friends wouldn't have died. Those thoughts swarm my head every moment.

Over the hundred years I've changed my face and name often. Each time I was named as commander of the Survey Corps. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much responsibility, then I remember; I'm the only one strong enough to hold the burden of a thousand deaths. I'm a lion, aren't I? I'm a king. At least I used to be. I don't believe I'm that strong anymore. If Ciel was still here he would slap me upside the head for saying something like that. He always believed in me. But I can't dwell on the past. I must look to the future before it's too late and the future swallows me whole.

To be honest, in the event of Ciel's death I did almost forget about Nicolas; placing him in the back of my mind. I never visited him to make sure that he was okay; another mistake of mine. Some may say that makes me a bad dad, and I completely agree. I was a horrible parent who let their grief cloud their judgment and wasn't there to raise my son. I know he doesn't recognize me in this current form. I'm glad he doesn't or I could never look him in the eye.

He's changed too. He looks older, tired, and ready to kill. I blame myself for that. I left him down there and turned him into the very monster I never wanted my child to be. I never wanted him to be like me. He changed his name and his appearance too. I wouldn't have recognized him either if I didn't sense his soul. That was the same at least. At least I'm not so horrible I would have forgotten his soul.

I was surprised to say the least at his fighting skills. No doubt being a demon his strength would be superior but to fight off both myself and Mike when we met again was impressive. The fact that he taught himself 3DMG and was so skilled with it made me wonder if maybe the underground city was as much of a safe haven as I had thought it was when I sent him there. Either way I realized that day that I had to ask him to join the Survey Corps. Another mistake. One of my biggest mistakes yet also one of the smartest decisions I've ever made.

Having another supernatural fighting against titans did wonders for our cause and my son was soon loved by the humans for his strength. I could tell he hated it though. I could tell he only joined the Survey Corps as a chance to let his friends see sunlight. Yet that decision led to their deaths. Isabel Magnolia and Farlan Church, both strong soldiers, both talented fighters, both sent to their deaths on a mission I had the power to stop from happening. Another mistake. I guess my life is just full of them.

Deep in my mind I almost wish this war would go on forever, with neither side winning, because I don't know how to be normal anymore. I don't know how to react to society anymore without Ciel here. I guess it all comes back to Ciel. The day he died was the day humanity truly lost hope. It was the day I truly lost hope. But slowly, humanity is regaining hope, my son; humanities strongest, and Eren, the human titan has brought hope back into the lives of humans. But I've lived too long and have seen that we can't win. It's a lost cause. But even so, I'll put up a front, saying I believe in our future. I believe we're all going to die.

The day the female titan appeared I knew my wish had come true. As dark as that seems. With her in the picture; a perfect counter to Eren, the war would never end. As sick as it sounds. I was almost… happy. I guess this war has fucked me up more than I thought it would. Then the titan fight in the inner wall happened and I lost my chance to keep this war going. Annie was encased in crystal and was no help to me anymore. But this war will continue until all the titans are dead, Annie has bought me some time.

I guess I should mention the dancing titan, the armoured titan and the colossal titan. I was as shocked as the rest to discover that they were also members of the 104th trainee corps. Five titan shifters from the same class was suspicious and made me question the rest of the class. But before I actually could be certain of other titans I lost the rest of them. Perhaps it was a mistake leading many titans to the shifters. But by now I've made so many mistakes I stopped caring.

The loss of my arm did not affect me much. Though I did find it strange that it didn't grow back. Perhaps it was because a titan was the one to remove it. Or maybe my regenerative skills have weakened to the point of not being able to regrow limbs considering I haven't eaten in a few years.

Hearing that titans were really humans almost… made me feel happy, overjoyed. Now there was no way this war would end. I would never have to worry about reintegrating into society. As long as there were humans. There would be titans. That was the best news I had heard in a while.

Perhaps I've gone a little insane with trying to overthrow the government. But I must keep up this illusion of wanting all the titans to die. I need to keep with the rash decisions that I'm known for. I must show them what they expect of me. Perhaps insanity is fitting for my state of mind. I can't understand when I look back how I functioned in the past. Humanity is no place for a demon; humanity is no place for me to fit in. I've seen so much death. I've lost my right arm but I still act as if there is a chance? There is no chance at survival. Not a chance that I truly believe in at least.

My name is Erwin Smith, formerly Alois Trancy, and I have given up.

**A/N: I was really debating not posting this but it's one of my best written works and... eh. Hope you enjoyed the product of my mind. :)**


End file.
